How to (not) ice skate.


Photo: Nasir Khan on Flickr Edit: Grace Li

Grace Li, Editor-in-Chief

Step 1:

Cling onto the wall. Ignore the little children behind you who ask you to skate a few feet away, so they can shuffle past to their mothers. Ignore their crying. You need this wall more than they do.

Step 2:

Cry yourself. Cry a lot. Cry so much that the hockey trainee who’s using a large bucket for practice offers it to you to lean on. Accept it graciously, then skate away with it before he or she can protest. Never look back. It’s yours now.

Step 3:

When your friends offer to hold your hand, and take you gliding across the ice with them, be sure to ignore all their advice for keeping balance, and fall flat on your butt instead, taking them down with you. After all, half the fun in ice skating is the pain from crashing to the ground!

Step 4:

There’s no better time to awkwardly belt to Taylor Swift’s “Shake it Off” than now. You’re probably scaring a lot of babies with your off-key singing, but who cares? The song keeps the fear of slipping away. Sing it loud. Sing it proud.

Step 5:

When someone asks you to take a picture of them and their friends, don’t tell them that you don’t know how to stay still without holding onto something for balance. Instead, let them find out for themselves, as they watch their iPhone fall and shatter into a hundred pieces on the ice. Feel no remorse as you wobble away.

Step 6:

Trying to get momentum? Shove your skate so hard into the ice, that when you try to push off, you find that the blade has actually dug into the ground, anchoring you there. Commence a dramatic face-first fall. Remind yourself that the warm water isn’t condensation from the ice, but the salty tears from your eyes.

Step 7:

Actually try to have fun. Shuffle-dance with your friends when your favorite song comes on. Let the children pass. Let go of your friend’s hand when you’re falling so they can remain upright to pull you back up. And take risks. When you fall, make like Taylor Swift and “Shake it Off.”