Dear Dublin High,
It’s been a few weeks since school started. To be honest, it feels like I never left. In my mind, May to August was just a short intermission. Maybe that’s partly because this summer was the busiest of my life, packed with a ton of summer homework, traveling, and preparing for college apps. I’d like to say it’s more so because I’ve become accustomed to you, though. Your community is one of the strongest I’ve had the chance to be a part of, and for that I am grateful.
It certainly does feel weird to be a senior. Every upperclassman friend I have ever known told me it would feel this way when they were seniors, but it never really hits you until you get here. In fact, I don’t think it all hits at once–the reality of senior year creeps in on you at different points in different ways for different people until, hopefully, you come to terms with it. For me, that realization has been multi-faceted.
Feelings of gratitude and joy are the first that come to mind. I’ve donned many hats during my time with you, whether that of a club member and leader, that of a student, or that of a young man trying to figure out who he is. The opportunity to explore my interests and passions was bolstered by the wonderful communities and the spirit that you bring. The culture that you foster is like no other; it is accepting of diversity from the perspective of race, ethnicity, love, gender, etc. This variety and acceptance of it builds a sense of comfort and pride in me, which I could not have experienced anywhere else. While I can directly commend the clubs, the band, and other large groups I’ve been lucky to have been a part of, that would leave out a number of key details. A large part of that joy and gratitude has come from the little moments through my time with you. From laughing and chatting with teachers to waving hello to all the other amazing staff members at your campus, the joy I’ve felt is a compounded effect of small interactions and connections. I’m grateful for every experience I’ve had through you, including all the moments that I believed the world was going to end. Coursework was rough, and there certainly were nights that had me thinking I wasn’t going to make it. Well, here I am now. Sometimes, I wish I could go back to those nights and appreciate them a little bit more. From hilarious study calls with friends to highly caffeinated drinks, every moment was fun, whether I realized it or not at the time.
Friendship was also an amazing part of who I’ve grown to be today through my experiences with you. I’ve made so many pivotal relationships with people I truly care for, and it’s so saddening to have to let most of them go. It’s inevitable that I will be separated from the people I care for as we each pursue our dreams and aspirations. While I do find solace in knowing that my friends will succeed no matter where they go, that doesn’t soften the feeling of aching sadness now.
I feel a constricting fear of losing all the other things too, not just my friends. I’m glad to say I’ve always tried to make the most of each moment, but even then, leaving things behind is so hard. I have to leave behind this community, my parents, my relationships, and so much more. As I move on to college, it seems like I have to do it all over again. What if I mess up? What if I lose myself? What if I don’t find the contentment I have now? Why can’t it all last forever (so that I can always be like this)?
It’s in thinking about these seemingly innocuous but unrelenting questions that I’m reminded of a quote that Vision from the Marvel Universe had said in Avengers: Age of Ultron.
“A thing isn’t beautiful because it lasts,” he said.
You see, I’m starting to have this change in perspective on these questions in considering Vision’s point. I don’t think making these things last forever would increase their value. Part of the beauty of all these moments and experiences is that they come to an end, because it provides a sense of urgency and mindfulness that forces me to live in the moment and milk every second. As I get ready to leave my time with you in the past, I also step into a new future that’s daunting. This is perhaps the last time I’ll get to live with few responsibilities apart from academics and social interaction. Moving forward, I’ll have to learn how to be an adult. That’ll be an experience in and of itself, as I make mistakes and learn from them. It’s more likely than not that I will change, and that’s okay.
Moving forward with the rest of this year, I want to cherish each moment. In this so-called year of lasts, I’m going to live life to the fullest. While I still have time with those that I love, I want to live with no regrets. That way, I leave you knowing that I’ve done all I can to enjoy it.
That doesn’t mean the future won’t be exciting though! New responsibilities, new friends, new adventures waiting to be explored. In moving forward, it’s also important to look to the past. A question I’ve been asking myself a lot lately is “What would little Suraj do?” As people grow up, I think they lose facets of what made them so joyful and kind as children, and I never want to lose that. I want to retain my child-like curiosity, sense of joy, friendship, and wonder–the parts of me that always bring a smile to my face, regardless of my want to fit into the world. I don’t have to fit into the rigidity that is social normalcy; I can be myself and live with the same openness and excitement I would as a young me.
In that way, moving forward also includes bringing my younger self with me. If I can experience every moment with that same spirit, then I’ll know I’m moving in the right direction.
This whole set of feelings is quite cyclic, and I’m sure I’ll experience it many more times throughout this year. I just hope that, in a few months’ time, I’ll be ready to say goodbye to you.
“How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.” – Winnie the Pooh
Sincerely,
Suraj R Kudrikar